I grow up, listening to a lot of commotions; Right here in my very own room, yet not made by me; But another member in my family, my second sister.
All these years, I never understood why, why would she treat me this way. What have I done wrong? Is my presence bothering her so much, she just couldn't leave me with my own peace of mind for once? It is not like I would touch or take her stuff like how she still tend to do it to me, which she warned me not to back when we were still young and she still talked to me.
Hey, sister. It is not like I done anything wrong to you or looked at you which you would puke seeing me, as you told your friend to tell me that, a year and a half ago. It is not like I still buy things for you and try to give it to you which you would totally ignore me and not take my gift for you, as if I were a ghost. I learnt my lessons not to act as if I'm older than you and buy treats like how a proper sister would do to her younger siblings, since it brought fear to me by your response. I still struggle trying to live this life, and not hate you but love you inside and pray to God for a miracle one fine day, though after exactly 10 years God still says wait.
Do you know, you play such a big role in this life of mine, I am not proud of my childhood. But yet I couldn't erase it, but to accept this challenge God threw me. I almost gave up life because of you, ever since I was nine years old. No one knew, just myself and God. And the very moment I attempted myself with a knife in the kitchen, God's grace fell upon me, I saw many scenes flashing back at me, with a message telling me straight into my eyes, saying that there is more to life than this! All of a sudden I felt guilty, a feeling of mixed emotions, and as though I became much mature, I had a sudden rush of understanding, and I felt that I gone too far wrong to do such silly things to myself. Washing the blood from the minor cut on my index finger, I apologized to God. I thanked Him for saving me, and it felt that I lived again, like a second chance.
Though after that I still do silly things to my physical self, the pain I feel still can't beat the pain I feel inside. Till one day, a friend of mine told me that I would go to hell if I were to kill myself. I was told that we are God's special creation, and suiciding is totally offensive, like destroying His wonderful creation.
Again, I felt guilty and sorry to God. But yet He still forgave me despite of what I've done in the past to myself, His beautiful and detailed creation. This was a year plus ago, and ever since then I never hurt myself again.
I am now seventeen years and two months old. My life this year had changed a lot, my walk with God was greater than ever before, and life began to be so colorful, as if I was colorblind before. Sometimes I would feel like crying because I'm being so blessed, so so blessed by God... His love never stops overflowing, and I am nothing compared to Him, but yet He still loves me.
I am stunned, He is more amazing than words could describe. Now I start to see what life is and slowly recognize my purpose here on earth. I am much stronger, because He is my foundation.
I don't know how to say this, but...
Dear sister, I hope you forgive me if I have done anything wrong, or whether it is just my face problem to you. No matter what happens, our blood has connections, and nothing can separate our relationship. I hope and pray for better days, and that you too stay strong in life and look at this world with a different view, and be positive. We got to count our blessings, or we'll never know how blessed we are.
I know you'll never read my blog, but I still want to try my chances.
I, love, you.
